Where my Spirit Is NOW: What I can confirm

Since I came out today, I figured it is only fitting to organize what I do believe since detaching my tentacles from the organized religion of Christianity. Here is what I do believe, with no evidence, just feeling what my spirit feels:

• I feel there is a Creator. Actually I choose to believe this because I cannot wrap my head around any kind of notion that the beauty we find in nature, children, love, and the connections of spirit with others  is just by happenstance or evolving biologically. There is no way this just "is". I can't tolerate that concept. There is something bigger than this universe that has taken time to deliberately paint flowers, design body systems, and provide emotions. That I feel in my spirit for SURE. 
• I feel the closest spiritually to my creator when I am in nature. When the sounds and music of nature are playing I can almost tear up for the sheer beauty of it all. I feel healing happen naturally in nature. 
• I believe that when someone is happy and wholly healthy, good things begin to happen. That doesn't mean someone they love won't die,or they won't get cancer no matter how healthy they are. Life is a cycle of seasons, beginnings and endings, and learning how to navigate those dips and valleys are what this journey is about.
• I believe we were gifted with an amazing system of intelligence, wit, and mental strength. No matter the chips against it through life experiences or lack of knowledge and growth, I believe these minds are capable of making choices and decisions, and accepting consequences. I firmly believe this. I believe you choose who to marry, divorce, have kids with, settle with, befriend, and unfriend. I believe our choices affect each other, especially those in our familial/close-knit circles. I also believe that yes, there are times when all the right things are at the right places at the right time, but also that we don't always get it right the first time, and that people change, and that maturity flux is real. We are all individually journeying and can't all be at the same point of growth at the same time, and  it can take some time to figure that out. It also is very important to know WHAT to do when you do realize that. You either grow, or you go.
• I believe Jesus the Christ in the Bible is an amazing influence. He truly exemplified how humans should act towards each other. Paul the preacher and disciple of Christ also talks on "Fruits of the Spirit" and how to follow "a more excellent way" in loving behavior towards others and really disciplining the Spirit for good. 
• I study Scripture because overall I believe it is a darn good resource for good living. I mean, it teaches you how to be an honorable person. Don't you think our society could use more of it? I base my teaching in parenting off of many things in the Bible as well. 
• I believe reproducing is natural and nothing to be messed with, tampered with, cut off, limited, or "controlled." I believe that when so much energy is put into NOT reproducing it REALLY limits and inhibits the amazing joy that can be found in sex. 
• I believe that in not wasting what we've been given, in being resourceful, and being grateful in all things we can build amazing character and leadership. 
• I DEFINITELY believe in channeling pain and heartbreak into giving back to others going through that as well. We are all involved in this cycle of humanity and we should never ignore the needy, the hurting, and the hopeless. I believe in grace.
• I believe that we're too hard on each other. 
• I believe in letting go...of love. Letting go is very risky but it's also very healing. Let go of some love today and give it away.
• I believe that Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandi, Martin Luther, and Dr. Martin Luther King were some of the most amazing leaders and displayed much character by speaking out, extending a hand of fellowship across barriers, and living simply but powerfully.
• It WILL all turn out okay if you're going FORWARD.
• The WHOLE body is very important. Mind, body and spirit must be tended to wholly and that disease of the mind or body is dependent upon the lack of health of another area of the trichotomy.
• Having children is healing. Being a parent is a spiritual experience. It will either break you down and make you bitter or make you stronger and make you better. I am grateful for the chance of parenting.
• I love to worship. Worship is the honoring and revering of a Being (in my case) and their work. I can worship God, the Creator through nursing, praying, meditating on Scripture or a similar resource, being grateful, asking for guidance and peace, sitting and being quiet looking outside, journaling, playing music, listening to music, lifting my hands, crying, being joyful. I am so glad to be alive. I am an act of worship when I do things that uplift others and bring them joy, healing, and peace. I worship through mothering, being a wife, being a cook, and by exercising my body to keep it well.
• I choose not to discriminate. My brother Jesus Christ was not a discriminator of the lowly, deranged, sad, broken, hurt, adulterous, or homosexual I believe. I choose to love and treat others with grace, not a self-righteous stick to prick all the sin out of them. Not saying others do that but that's how I have viewed discrimination, as something being wrong with someone and the rest of us treating them with a long-handled spoon to make sure it doesn't spill onto us. Jesus got dirty. 
• I recently saw a picture of a missionary holding children from Haiti who were naked. There is nothing more vulnerable or beautiful than being naked. Trusting that others won't hurt you in that state is sheerly amazing. That picture spoke to me and said that when I am open, vulnerable, and exposed, those that love me will hold me and not hurt me. And I need to do the same with others.
• I believe in doing the right thing because your integrity is at stake, and integrity is very important to other people valuing your work. Doing the right thing because it's right is very big in my book.
• Love my Creator and God, love my neighbors/brothers/sisters, and love myself. These are the big guidelines I live by. I also strive to treat others and THINK of others how I want to be treated and thought of. I have been a very judgmental person in the past and it's really not fair. Because people do change and are constantly changing. I exercise hope in that we are all pushing for the greater good in our relationships, our health, and in sustaining our Earth. 

I am on this journey and I am accepting of it. I pray that I will continue to grow in wisdom and in seeking TRUTH. Jesus Christ said "The truth will set you free." No, I am not a modern-day Christian by the books, but I definitely gain from Christ's example, leadership, life, and legacy. And I'm not ashamed to say that I'm still growing! I am seeking who God is, what God is like, how God moves and creates. I pray that my development will bring hope, peace, and sustenance throughout the rest of this life I'm grateful to be living.

Calling Out Christianity:My Perspective of this Religion in Modern Times

I must be crazy for doing this. No, actually I must want to be silently (or maybe loudly) slaughtered by judgmental minds and peering eyes, crazed holy folks who will not, not NOT tolerate any type of diversion tactics, alternate theories, or openness to other levels of spiritual living. And I'm okay with that. Because I must be honest. I can honestly say I feel like I'm getting ready to "come out" to the world, and although I don't know what that's like for those who are homosexual, I know what it feels like to "come out" religiously, and I'm about to do just that. 

Deep breath, you can do this. Just tell them what's on your mind. Just tell them...tell them...
I don't think I'm a Christian anymore, guys. Instead of trying to beautifully articulate gluttonous paragraphs trying to sanely explain what goes on in my noggin, I'll just write a quick annotated list of what has spiritually been happening inside of THIS woman.

• I was raised Seventh-Day Adventist; much legalism came from that. I thought if I was good enough, didn't "sin" and didn't eat pork I would be accepted. Then I realized my Grandma went to church on Sunday and loved chitlin's (or chitterlings) and wondered how in the world the God I thought I knew would send the holiest woman I ever knew to hell. She would "shout" in the middle of any sentence that had the word "God" in it. No way she was being thrown into flames!
• In college I began to go on my own spiritual journey. I knew the road I had been on hadn't really led me on a personal experience to the God I knew, so I kept trying to pursue it without going to church on Saturdays anymore.
• In college I think I had pepperoni. It was good. I also drank some caffeine. Although I still really did not drink much of it because SDA's REALLY do have an awesome perspective on healthy diet and have the potential to live a few years longer than the rest of the seafood-devouring pork lovers out here by following that health and temperance lifestyle.
• After I decided not to follow the religion of an Adventist, I started really thinking about why there were SO many different denominations. How were we all believing in the same God/Godhead/Trinity/Jesus but split up into SUCH diverse groups and extremes? This is where the word "interpretation" really took on new meanings for me.
• The HISTORY of Christianity really took me for a spin. Many Black Americans or descendants of Africans cling to Christianity and many different aspects of historical slave culture by belonging to certain denominations, doing certain dances/shouts/music chords that were common during slave times. But many slaves were FORCED to convert to Christianity, which was brought to them by the White man. Africans traditionally did not know ANYTHING about Christianity. It was a religion brought over from the East and imposed on Blacks. And not to sound "mean" but Blacks really took it and ran with it; seemed like that new religion was and still a way to survive and be free in the "captivity" of pain, suffering, sorrow, and again "sin." 
• Christianity seems like a huge act put on by many people. You will see the same people who were slain in the spirit yesterday today and they are totally different. You might see them at happy hour or wearing the latest and greatest, tightest and shortest apparel. Hey, Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding, so...he knew about partying, right?
• Christianity as a religion has become a status symbol. The holier you are, the more "Christlike" you are, the more prayerful/devotional/spiritual-sounding you are the more you are more separated from everyone else. Baptists, COGICS, Methodists, Reformed's, Lutherans, SDA's, Episcopal etc all have an idea of how to become "one" with God. It's mostly a lot of performing, or doing. 
• I started realizing why Jews were annoyed with Christians. Jews have been around since OT times, Christians are probably "New Age-ers" to them. The Jews are the "OG's" of religion, the Christians are the "Soulja-Boy's". What is he up to now, anyways?
• Everyone is so convinced that hell and heaven are defined things. No one can STILL tell me what happens when someone dies. Yes, I get that we are supposed to be caught up together in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. We make up all kinds of things to make ourselves feel better, but it's really NOT explained in the Bible. There are sometimes when people have been noted to speak with those who are dead in spirit form. Others were noted to be raised from the dead (doesn't the body decompose, so was the flesh restored when life was given back to them?) and yet others never died and were whisked away and disappeared, but only the really holy ones like Elijah and Methuselah.
• We went from living, according to Scripture, 900+ years in the beginning with a vegetarian diet and SOME "sin" to living MAYBE 70 years and you might be able to hit that with a shot of whiskey after dinner every day. 
• The Bible is COPYRIGHTED by Zondervan and other publishers??? 
• People STILL can't understand that girls are being prepared for fertility at 12-13 or earlier and are expected to wait to have sex until God sends them a spouse. I didn't see too many people sitting around waiting for spouses in the OT. They went and retrieved themselves spouses, or had servants do it for them. Or grabbed one from the current city they were visiting. And had sex with their servants. And had multiple wives. And it was "normal." And older men had way younger wives. Nowadays it's considered abhorrent and twisted. 
• The whole sex thing. Again, biologically and chemically the bodies are very ready earlier than the 20's for reproduction. I believe hormones and the like are natural responses to growth, not something sinful to be made to feel ashamed about. It just does NOT click with me. Yet we are pushing kids to wait longer and longer until they graduate this school or that college or have that degree or that job and then they have to wait to have kids too till after all that. It's just contrary to nature if you ask me. Teaching them early to prepare to be partners and parents seems like a more natural solution. Then they don't have to be shunned for marrying early or having kids young. 
• "Church" is now solidly defined as having awesome, moving music and a great orator. Without those you do NOT have an attractive, healthy, flourishing, abounding church. 
• God seems to be more of a level of "consciousness." To some they can feel the Spirit of God, which is felt not seen, unless you were in Pentecost when the Christian church first began. Some can see God in nature, in children, in art. They feel close to a Creator when things are being created or are ended, like death and childbirth, or when two people are brought together to begin a new life together.
• Separation is a very big concern for me in Christianity. You are to separate yourself from anyone who is not like-minded, regarding how they think of "God" "sin" or "holiness" and really occupy your space by everyone who thinks just like you. Everyone has all the answers to every question you have when inside they know they may actually have questions and doubts. But Jesus is the role model for Christianity, being the Christ. And he mingled amongst the people, among the hurt, among those who were plain "crazy" by our terms. He spoke out against the separaters, those who set standards so high no one could meet them. He told the Pharisees that they "thought" they were so holy, but they were actually blind as bats. He credited the "Kingdom of Heaven" to little children. Kids who probably can't wipe their own butts very well and still pee the bed at night. He said they and their spirits embodied an entire kingdom beyond the realm of this universe. That's kind of epic.
• Christianity is a safe place to go when you're hurting, needing assurance, hope, and guidance. It hugs you, provides salve, gives you great meditations to reflect on, and encourages you to open your soul through things like guided worship, sermons, and testimonials of the hardships and victories of others. It is a hope for the hopeless and a way people cope with living. It is a need. It is a life raft. To Christians, Jesus provided a way for everyone to have relief and hope that they will be rewarded for fighting through life with dignity, integrity, honesty, and perseverance. They are given ways to plow through trials, space and times where they can gather with others and pray for their needs or the needs of others. It really is a beautiful community for those who are in need of that and who need to find a way up out of their despair.
• The hardest concept for me to grasp is that I have to trust the authors of the Bible, who are men, who put together the different books, sat and voted on what would be included and what wouldn't, and then made all kinds of "translations" (read: interpretations) so people can choose which one best vibes with them. Scripture was not originally written in Ye Olde English you know! The stories have all been handed down over centuries. It is history, yes! There are many accurate accounts, yes! But my problem is with the actual people who were involved in the making, publishing, and distributing of the Holy Book. I also have concerns with certain teachers in Scripture, particularly Paul. After his conversion his letters became more and more...saintly. I'm not mocking here, but they were things he believed God led him to interpret from the "New Way" (read: post-Christ resurrection) that were different from the OT. I don't believe in my heart that the God of the OT changed his mind about marriage, "singlehood", diet, and day of worship. It makes NO sense to me at all. Again, I credit this to different denominational interpretations. But still, that the Creator of the Universe and our puny little selves can be condensed into 66 chapters of reading and then it's "The End." Just go do what that book says. God really comes with an instructional? A "how-to" to achieve oneness? 
• That animals talked. What the heck could that even SOUND like? And now they have evolved into slobbering, hairy, slithering nuisances that eat your plants or tear up your furniture (I'm completely kidding in a sense, I love pets.)

Obviously, you can see that I've thought about this extensively. This isn't meant for discussion, debate, or rebuttal. I think I know pretty much every single rebuttal or how to prove any and all of these things with a Scriptural reference, because I've done it, used it, or learned it from everyone else I've learned from in my prior journey. I've studied more Scripture than I know what to do with, and my own interpretation has changed with time and my maturity. I've read many books, been through many different levels of "consciousness" "arrival" "firm faith" "complete immersion" that I can count. I've lived this my WHOLE life. And I'm pretty sure many will choose to "just pray for me" so that I will turn around and repent and receive my full inheritance from God after I jump through hoops A, B, and C. This isn't meant to be a betrayal to all my past teachers, pastors, counselors/disciplers, leaders, etc who are very immersed in their faith and it serves as the foundation to their life. Never! This is simply me being brave and stating that I am no longer immersed like I was even four months ago. A light switch either turned on or off, depending on your perspective, and I can't ignore it. I've tried to wait it out, pray it out, beg it out, what have you. This is me expressing loyalty to my spirit and what it's going through at THIS moment. Because THIS moment is all I can account for right now.

Please read my follow-up post on what I DO believe in my heart and what I CAN confirm while I'm on this journey.

I'm Still Here, but I'm not the Same.

To my lovely readers,

I want you to know that I'm still here. I have been avoiding writing because my life is a little imperfect right now, and to share it with you would be very risky for me because it would mean being honest. As you know, I am very insistent on honesty. So since being honest would be hard, I decided to wait until I was confident enough to share this honesty with you.

My life is such a grand mural, and a new paint or pattern may become splatted on it at the drop of a hat, with no warning and certainly no opportunity to wipe it off or rearrange. Once it's there, it's there. Displaying right on my heart. There's no way around it. I want to be responsible in how I share the new art that's been done, so that my words will paint an accurate and, again, confident portrait of what is now. 

I find such an escape through writing, painting, playing my instruments. But I have to remember not everyone understands and unites with my soul. And I'm okay with that. But again, like a true artist, I slave and slave over my craft until I decide that it is okay to let the world see some of my art. And that can take a very long time for me. Because it is never perfect. It's never worthy enough to me to be released. And that is part of who I am. Thank you for letting me just be. Letting me just be me. 

And now finally, I am going to unveil some of my imperfect art to you. I'm not asking you to like it, to understand it, to agree with it, or to accept it. But I am asking you to look at it for a while, and mull it over in such a way that afterwards you see the depictions I've carefully and painfully etched into it. You should see the glimmers of hopeful healing and relieving acceptance that are finally starting to appear. If you can but see some of that objectively no matter your opinion on my art, then I can smile that we can at least both look upon the same mural and see something great that is in the stage of becoming. 

I'm still here, but I'm different than I was even three months ago. And I'm okay with that. Because my journey, my enlightenment, and my realizations have shown me that no matter what popular social opinion may be, I have a unique mindset and my set of experiences have shaped that into something that won't match anyone else's mural. I am so in awe of the murals I see painted all around me, on the posts through social media of my friends, of their new realizations. I am so happy and proud. I am so glad that this generation is becoming  free the way it was meant to be. 

Thank you for peering into my journey with me. I am so appreciative and honored, needless to say humbled. But most of all I am becoming very free. And that is the best feeling indeed. Thank God Almighty. I'm becoming free at last.

Yours,
Monica

Battle of the Body: What Mothers Face

This was a requested blog topic:  America's (tainted) view of the Mother's Body.

 I have a couple of websites I want you to go check out before you read the rest of this.

A complete visual guide of mothers and their body-battles

BabyCenter polls 7,000 who "tell it like it is"...the truth about the postpartum body


Check out this comment from a body image expert about what women think about themselves postpartum:

Joan Chrisler, a body image expert who teaches at Connecticut College, isn't surprised. "Lots of studies have shown that women think men want them to be thinner than men really want them to be," she says. "Researchers will show women sketches of female figures and ask, which do you think men believe is the ideal? Men always pick significantly bigger sizes than women think they want." So if your mate says you look great, believe it.

Check out this comment from the BabyCenter article about what OTHER people think about women postpartum:

On the other hand, plenty of other people seem to feel free to offer their critiques of your postpartum body. Nearly half of our survey moms said they got negative comments from their parents, and a quarter got them from an in-law. Even strangers seem to feel entitled to put in their two cents, with 18 percent of moms saying they got hurtful comments from people they didn't even know. 

And now take a peek at this slideshow:

Post-Baby Bellies :)

This is what the media should be glorifying. The women who are "everyday" heroes, not the women who do "everyday" feats (like having babies) and then manage to whittle away their size so you can never tell! Having children is part of those glorious feats that only women can accomplish (giving all due sensitivities to those who need IVF help or use surrogacy). I have said time and time again, that women need to be supportive to one another, especially surrounding something as life and body-changing as pregnancy and childbirth.

One of my favorite natural doctors, Dr. Don Colbert, often quotes this Scripture when explaining why people are unhealthy: "My people perish for lack of knowledge." Hosea 4:6. Another version also says "My people are DESTROYED..." We are destroying one another with unrealistic expectations and distortions of beauty. Some women can snap back into their "first" body rather quickly, thanks to genetics or God-knows-what, and that's great! But for the majority of us, it's our first-ever crash course to the world of health and fitness. We learn that along with having that glorious baby comes a glorious introduction to a body we've never known or imagined having. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we'll NEVER gain as much weight as so-and-so did, only to find that numerous factors can influence difficulties in postpartum weight loss. I had a hard time dealing with the shock of losing my "first" body (can't even remember what it looked like) and beating my body down mentally for being gross and not getting back to "normal." I ended up dealing with thyroiditis, which turned into Hashimoto's after not being diagnosed and treated properly for over a year. I had much grieving over my body and hated it for turning on me. This is how I looked  before and after my first pregnancy:

After my second:

And this is what it looked like when I finally stabilized my thyroid hormone production and started a healthy living regimen:

And then got pregnant for the third time (before and afters):

And current:

No sucking in! Normal standing.

With proper posture and muscular flexation :)

Having again started to work towards more healthy living

You can read about my epiphanies regarding health and loving my body on my facebook and throughout my blog, but it all boils down to the day I realized (after much body-hating) that my body was actually my ally and friend, my ride-or-die boo thang, and my link to life, both my own life and giving life. I learned it was a part of me I had been treating pretty nastily, and if I was my body I wouldn't respond well either. I learned that the body is coupled your spirit, and those cannot be separated to achieve healthy results...

I started following inspiring people on Twitter, and reading a book called "Believing in Myself" (Larsen and Hegarty) as well as going to therapy. When got my mind, body, and spirit (and thyroid!) in sync, and started loving myself and treating myself with respect and kindness regardless of what the media told me or pressure from celebs or awesome-gened moms, I noticed changes. I developed more mental strength and character than I had ever had, and my body started to respond.

America and other woman who are capable of giving life, stop hating on the beauty that is your body and focus on being present with what your body is doing for you RIGHT NOW. It is sustaining you, carrying you, holding in your organs, nursing your baby, allocating nourishment to the proper places, and is housing the whole system that keeps you working. It's a marvelous thing. And it's made for wear and tear. You're going to have it for the rest of your life. So make peace with it, and love yourself better from here on out.

Monica, fellow body-lover-who-sometimes-forgets-these-things-too.

Evolving

I am musing today about my evolvement.

At 10, I thought I could befriend everyone. I knew nothing about petty nonsense except that certain girls in my fifth-grade class would sometimes tease me. My mom thickened my skin by telling me they were jealous. In fact, anything that happened in which I was teased was always resolved by "they're just jealous." Thanks Mom. No, seriously.

At 11, I went to music camp (Blue Lake) and made friends with a girl named Tiffany Yang. She was a better pianist than me, quiet, and kind of weird. We became friends. I wonder if I can find her on Facebook now?

At 12, shaving legs was a GIGANTIC deal. I wasn't allowed to. I felt like the Yeti.

At 13, I returned to music camp. I fell in love for the second-ish time. The first time I had no clue what was going on. This time, I never got to say good-bye to my new flame. I was depressed over that for a little while.

At 14, I went to CMU's music camp and met an awesome girl who was better at playing piano by ear than I was. I was inspired and challenged by this girl. She happened to be black. You don't see that all the time. Minorities in the serious arts. Her and I still need to do a concert together. We're both wives and mommies but also bad-a$$ pianists.

I don't remember too much about 15-16.

At 17 I went to prom with my handsome...cousin. I wasn't dating anyone since I couldn't date, so it was kind of weird and awkward for me to invite my cousin, but it turned out to be fun. Thanks Allan!

At 18, I went off to college. I was still very nerdy, but now I was somewhat a bit prettier. Boys now paid more attention to me. I was clueless. At the end of freshman year I met my FIRST boyfriend.

At 19, I left home for good. It was the first day of the rest of my life, and started a more painful journey than I ever could have imagined. My whole life was stuffed into garbage bags and packed in my new car that my godsister sold me for $200 (what a deal!).

Between 19-21 my life really got rolling. 22-26 flew by in a flash. I got married and had three children. Who knew women could be so freaking fertile?

Now less than a half-birthday away from 27, I ask myself STILL...WHO are you? And WHAT are you doing with your life?

I'd like to say I'm still moving forward, and most days that is true. But there are still days when I'm trying to keep my head above water, and somedays I let myself tread without a to-do list. I let myself think and ask questions. I let myself wonder.

Now I'm on a really new road. I've lost my faith, it's in a reconstruction zone as we speak. I've dealt with enough hurt for a lifetime x 10. I've questioned my decisions and wondered why I'm not stronger. I've beat other people with bats in my head. I've felt despair that my dreams are now over because I'm 26 with a Masters degree and it hasn't made me any smarter, wiser, or valuable.

But I do know I always want to be better...I want to know more, do more, hurt more, grow more, and be more grateful. Sometimes life is a pile of crap with a bow on it, but there are moments when you can't speak and your heart stops in your throat because of its glory. There is freedom to be found. And I'm so grateful to be a piece of this giant puzzle. I am worth something. I am valuable. I am beautiful. I am destined for GREATNESS.

Monica

Why I am so Flipping Honest

My mom always said, "Always tell the truth. Even if you think you're going to get in trouble. I need to be able to trust what you say, because one day you're going to need me to trust when it looks like you're lying."

I never forgot that, and I began my truth-telling as a young lady. Even when I was telling the truth, I still sometimes was perceived as lying. But I held to that code of honor 99.9% of the time for the next years of my life up to this day. There were times I became defensive and eluded an honest view of myself and something wrong I had done, but I came around.

The lie I most regret is the one to Mrs. Rabeler, ninth-grade algebra teacher. She was a very smart, sharply-dressed woman who taught at Lansing Christian High School. Man, was she brilliant at math. She wrote neatly on the overhead, and nobody even thought to disrespect her, I don't think. The one rule we all had is that we could NOT chew gum in school. We had a brand new school and everyone was on gum-chewing restriction.

In ninth-grade it was cool to be a little rebellious. So my deskmate Gina and I took the plunge and each popped a piece in our mouths one suave day. I was confident I had perfected the technique of non-chewing-while-really-chewing that I had been bold enough to bring my partner along with me.

"Monica, are you chewing gum?"
The question rang out clearly and suddenly, coolly and calmly. What? How did--? What the--?
"Huh?" I said, with a blank stare while I tried emphatically to unnoticeably swallow the perpetrating substance.

"Are you chewing gum?"
"No," I stated with sincerity, even going as far as to stick out my tongue and show that my mouth was empty.
"Gina," she began with my deskmate, "Are YOU chewing gum?"
Gina slowly nodded.
"Please come up to my desk."
Gina walked forward and received her detention. I wanted to shrink into my skin, feeling like a traitor, a liar, and like a coward that I didn't take the responsibility that came along with my actions like Gina did. I felt ashamed.

I always planned on visiting high school and telling Mrs. Rabeler the truth. I figured we'd laugh about it and I could finally clear my conscience. I was sad to find out she passed away from health complications before I ever made it back. I never forgot that feeling of desperation, that I had lied to Mrs. Rabeler, she probably knew, and that I had compromised my integrity and respect to avoid a detention.

I have made a couple white lies since then, but mostly to avoid nosiness or out of the desire to avoid unnecessary confrontation and remarks. Regardless, I am not a fan of lying unless it's for justice and saves someone's life justly. Even then it would give me palpitations and turn my face deep red. I am NOT made for lying.

But I simply believe overall that everyone deserves to know the truth. I ask because I want and need to know so I can be the best me. I don't believe in the dark. I believe in truth, light, and loyalty to righteousness.
Right-doing, if you will. I believe in doing the right thing when no one believes it's the right thing but you, and doing right things when no one but you is around. It is a deep value, and I believe no one grows and learns from secrets. So I purpose to be healthily non-secretive. It's a waste of energy and time. I always breathe easier when I know I am being open and honest, as I was taught to be.

Monica

Reflection Quickie- Post 1

This reflection quickie is inspired by something I said to my son regarding food. Take a peek:

Me: "What did you have for lunch at school today?"
Son: "I didn't try it, I didn't think I would like it."
Me: "Son, you're not always going to like everything that's placed before you. What if we didn't have any food at home and that's all you got to eat for a few hours, is what was offered at school? You'd be pretty hungry."

**Deep breath to think of how to organize subsequent thoughts into preschool-friendly terms**

Me: "...sometimes you can't think about the future, that you'll just eat when you get home. Think about the present, what's happening right now. You won't always like what's in the present, but sometimes you have to accept it whether you like it or not."


Did you catch it?
I immediately ingested my own words, and they're still digesting. I realized that the pain and hurt I mull over in the back of my mind throughout my days can really be collected up and reined in if I follow this motherly advice I gave my son. Right now, it is what it is. It just IS. Nothing I do, think, or say is going to magically dust-up everything and make it brand new. This is not a fairy tale, this is real life where fairy tales are even mini-conspiracies. I have to find the silver-lining in everything, and when I can't I obsess over it. Like WHERE IS IT!!! (panicked breathing inserted here).

But right now, in my life, and in yours, what is happening is what is. We have to accept it before we can take steps to correct it. Whether I like it or not, I have tons of siblings I'm not close with, two different families I can't seem to fit into, tormenting thoughts I constantly stuff back into their box, and people in my life who have gotten scott-free off their proverbial leash, running around like crazed people trying to piece their lives together with Elmer's glue instead of look me in the face and give me answers. But the attitude I have to take is that I will have NO FEAR. I will hold my head up. I will breathe deeply before saying something hard. I will listen to things I don't want to hear and try to learn from it. I will BE...here in the present, loving as hard as I can and sometimes crying just as hard when everyone's asleep. But crying is my heart's way of releasing its toxins. It begins to strengthen and becomes POWERFUL. It calls others together and builds strength, not pretense of being held together. If something in your life has been broken down, or is being broken down, speak to yourself the words, "This WILL be rebuilt. I will be immovable." Pick up those pieces, and walk.

It doesn't mean it won't be different...someday. It doesn't mean you won't get the apology or acknowledgment you need to be released...someday. It doesn't mean you won't forgive yourself for disappointing yourself or for being too hard on yourself...someday. It may mean all of this or none of that. We just have to get ourselves through today. Tomorrow may or may not come but right now is here, and we need to be there.

With you in spirit,

Monica